I have not wanted to blog. I couldn't find the right transition. The last entry was Jason's post about Father and Sons and the next day was Lucy's accident. Amazing how different life suddenly seems, how different time suddenly seems, with this new perspective. Years fly by and yet sometimes a day or a couple of weeks feel to stretch on endlessly. I have felt so much sadness, joy, peace, despair, humility, gratitude, love, pain, loneliness, anger, hope, kindness, hurt, tenderness, holiness and even a little bit of heaven. And I am just an aunt. It feels wrong in a way to feel all of this- like some how it mocks Vic and Molly's reality.
The selfish, angry side of me is mad because I loved seeing Luke and Lucy play together and I was so excited to see these two so close in age grow up together and be friends. And with Thacker just 6 months younger, they were going to be quite the 3 Musketeers at Jackson family gatherings. Or so I had hoped.
One of the "lessons" that I have learned from this is the amazing ripple effect of charity. I guess that is the best way to describe it. So many people have done so many things out of love that I have benefited from and I am so grateful for it. I am so thankful to Mom and Dad Jackson for playing with my kids so I could spend time with Vic and Molly, for Maria who also watched my children and opened her house, cupboards, and heart to us, to Carter who watched Maria's kids so she could attend the funeral and help with my kids as well as take Jason to the airport, to Maria's neighbors who heard about Lucy and brought over food because they heard we were staying there, for the many many friends of Vic and Molly who brought over bedding and food for us as well as provided a house for us to stay at so we could be close by not to mention watching our kids while we were at the hospital, spouses who stayed with their kids while their spouses traveled for the funeral (many Arizona friends), for my neighbor who got the mail and watered for me, for my visiting teacher who did a load of laundry to help us get out the door faster, for my friend Analisa who watched my kids while I ran errands to leave town and especially the many many prayers. What a difference those make. The list goes on and on. And why a ripple? Complete strangers doing something to help another so they could help another help another. So many of these things were done for/to us- which I am SO GRATEFUL FOR- but in reality it was all for Vic and Molly. Love doesn't divide, it only grows.
So Lucy, things will never ever be the same without you. We will never forget you. We will always love you and look forward to seeing you again. I feel so privileged to have held you in my arms just hours after you had arrived on earth and so very privileged to have held you again just hours before you left. I will never be the same because of you. And I am just an aunt.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Lucy
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9 comments:
I am so glad to see you post again! I knew you were finding it hard to post, and it's been breaking my heart to know how yours must be breaking.
I am so in awe of Vic and Molly. I am amazed by the spiritual strength they have shown as they have been going through this experience.
Even in her passing, Lucy is blessing lives. There is no telling how many testimonies have been strengthened by the faith of her parents and extended family.
This poem, which I have often thought of since my brother passed away nearly 20 years ago, has helped me to find peace and to put things in perspective when faced with trials:
My life is but a weaving,
between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes he weaveth sorrow,
and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent,
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas,
and explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful
in the skillful weaver's hand
As threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.
by Benjamine Malachi Franklin
Anyway, while I imagine that the threads, currently on the loom in the lives of Lucy's loved ones, appear to be very dark, someday you all will see the full creation and see what beauty these threads added to eternal life.
Love you lots!
BTW-in reading posts about and by your brother (on his and Molly's blog), I see so much of you in him. You must have some amazing parents!
It is great to read your post about Lucy. I have felt pieces of what you are saying ...and feel very much the "I am only an ___" (for me, it's cousin/2nd cousin) but so very affected by Lucy's life, Vic & Molly's courage, and the gospel perspective that makes any of this liveable.
I have been soooo grateful for the many who have stepped into play as helpers, caregivers, and providers on all kinds of levels---especially to all of you who were able to be there for the hugs & support that was so needed.
I just feel so lucky to have known that sweet Lucy girl.
...and can you imagine being JUST a GREAT AUNT? who is far away and ...has had such a small intercept of life with Lucy?
well..we are Family ...and as you can see , even NON-FAMILY-TOTAL- STRANGERS are feeling this pain. empathy. concern. fear. shock.
love.
When I was in jr. high we sang the song 'No Man is an Island" in Glee Club. Yes I said GLEE CLUB.
one part of it says
'No man is an island
no man stands alone
each man's JOY is JOY TO ME!
each man's grief is MY OWN...
and I think Lucy taps into our collective GRIEF ( as you tap into our JOY!)
but I SO know what you mean...like I have no right to feel this way, and it isn't helping that I do, and its tiny to compared to what they feel and what they live every waking second. I hope they are sleeping . Sleep is good.
but I think I am wrong . We have the right and the responsibility to mourn...and our baptismal covenants include "mourning with them that mourn". I think Lucy is teaching us more than we wanted to learn.
Love you all, Great-Just-an-Aunt Linda
Joy, thanks for your post. Thanks for being an amazing sister in law. Not just to me, but to Molly. I was in awe at your desire to help and be there for them however you could. Thanks for being such a good example to me. Once again, I find myself in tears. The kids are asking me why I am crying. They asked if I am crying for Lucy. I said no, Lucy is just fine in heaven. My tears are for Vic and Molly and your whole family trying to deal with heartbreak and the loss of their sweet Lucy. My tears are because I can't even imagine the pain. My tears are of gratitude for being able to help you during this time and for the blessings I received as I did. My tears are for the lessons I have learned through this experience. My tears are in gratitude for the opportunities I have had to share my beliefs about Heavenly Father's plan with my friends. They have cried with me for Vic, Molly, and Lucy and they have never met them- I guess I haven't either, but they feel like family to me. My tears are for the realization that Heavenly Father loves each of us, and although we have challenges that feel like more than we can bear sometimes, he does not leave us alone. He sends others to strengthen and comfort us. You could see that with everyone standing during that talk at the funeral. What a powerful lesson to me. I will keep praying for all of you as you try to continue on. I loved having you and your sweet kids here and getting to know them better. I love you all.
I have been so worried about you! I am so sorry to hear about Lucy. I love you and let me know if I can do anything....
Joy,
Your blog said so much. Thank you and I love you and loved having your comforting arms around me and you brother and sister-in law. Love mom
well done Joy. That was a very appropriate and moving post. I think you did it justice and really captured the experience of the this all. I am indeed jealous that you got to hold Lucy just after she was born and just before she left. That is one regret that I have... that I was too busy to be able to stay over night and lay a while with her. There again is a classic example of someone getting so wrapped up in their own lives, they dont stop and realize what really is important and what opportunities they may never have again. Dam that school work. But I am proud of you for having such good friends that they would step up and help you in a time of need. That says a lot.
Joy- dido on your thoughts, but you have put it better! What a ripple we've experienced. Jenny
JOY,
My heart is aching for you and your family, but never have I seen such faith and grace by those who have loved and had to say goodbye for a time. Lucy is truly still blessing the lives of many.
All my love, Jamie
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